Our attachment style forms when we are young from our caregiver. If you don’t know what attachment styles are — here’s a quick lesson (in a sentence)! Attachment theory tell us that our emotional attachment to those caregivers influences our relationships later on in life. So if you lean anxious, you may have had caregivers that were inconsistent or chaotic.
So today, you might find yourself anxious when you feel any form of inconsistency or potential abandonment. This could look like feeling anxious waiting for a text to feeling very uncomfortable with space.
Something I want to remind you of is this is not your fault! It can feel like something is wrong with us or we may feel needy, but the truth is, none of our trauma or what we experienced is our fault. But it IS our responsibility. It IS in our hands to heal and work through it if we desire healthy, positive relationships.
So if this is you, I have three little tips that I think will help you along your way. If you’re anxiously attached, you have to get your nervous system okay with space and not interpreting every amount of space as abandonment. And to learn to be okay with how other people behave because you can manage your own responses and know that you’ll look out for what’s best for you!
So here are my 3 top tips for healing your anxious attachment style:
- PRIORITIZE PEOPLE WHO ARE SECURE, CONSISTENT & SAFE
If you keep going for people who are inconsistent, chaotic & unavailable…your attachment wound will keep getting poked at. Try going for people who don’t itch those attachment wounds and make you want to recreate what we experienced in childhood. Going for people who are safe, secure, loving & able to meet your needs will help to stop the chasing and help you start feeling secure. We can actually heal through relationships and being with someone secure can help us learn to move toward secure ourselves.
2. HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE & INDIVIDUALITY
This isn’t to say it’s not important to spend time with our partner and connect with them, but it is to say that if we don’t have our own space to go back to, we will be anxiously clinging on to theirs so much more. When we have our own friends, hobbies, etc, we have a life that we enjoy and stop wanting to escape from. Being busy is good! It’s good to not constantly be waiting on your partner. And having your own life is extremely attractive!
3. SELF-SOOTHING
When we are anxiously attached, especially in the beginning, we may get super triggered by any form of space or misinterpretation of potential abandonment. Being able to stop, pause and breathe, be with our feelings and regulate is SO important. Often times we will go straight to our partners for reassurance and it’s important to start being with our own selves for reassurance and start helping our bodies feel safe.
I hope you enjoyed this blog! If you want any support on working with your attachment style & the sensations that come up in your body, please reach out! Having support on this is so helpful and I’ve been where you are, so I know what it’s like.
Sending big love!
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